one until none.

once upon a time there was a sixteen year old girl. she was healthy, liked baking (and eating) cookies, spontaneous road trips with her family were one of her favorite things, and she had no idea how quickly things could change from normal. she did normal teenage girl things. she went to school and did homework, she hit snooze too many times in the morning, pushing the limits on how quickly she could get ready to go places. she went to church every Sunday, volunteered in a homeless shelter, and was a student leader. she thought that normal meant fighting with her older brother for being way too overprotective and with her younger sisters for being annoying.

she didn't know, you see, that normal isn't set in stone and that it can change -- quickly, drastically, and overwhelmingly.

one day, two weeks before the end of her sophomore year of high school, when she was sixteen and just returning from a missions trip to Mexico, she was sick. not normal sick where you have a fever and chills and can't breathe from being congested, but the kind that lingers.

she lost weight, despite being constantly hungry and always eating. a lot of weight. twenty-five pounds in less than two weeks. she was constantly thirsty too, drinking anywhere between one and three gallons of water per day. she was tired and lethargic and overly emotional. her parents worried about her, but she swore that she was fine, that she just had something that she caught in Mexico and that it would fine.

but then, on Mother's Day in 2012, the girl passed out. her mom wanted to call an ambulance. her dad talked her out of it, but her mom wanted her to go to the doctor the next day. "I think you're sick," her mom said.

the girl knew she was sick. she was scared that it was something serious and that her perfect, normal life would change forever.

in some ways, she was right, and it did change forever. you see, on May 14th, 2012, the girl was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. she spent a little under a week in the ICU. she watched movies and cried and quickly grew frustrated with the nurses who checked on her and the beeping of the IV when she needed a new bag of fluids and the blood draws every six hours and when the nurses told her that they were sorry, but her blood sugar was too high and she couldn't eat just yet. she was frustrated with the dietitians and the social workers and the diabetes educators that acted like she wasn't normal and would never be normal again.

she cried at the little things, mostly, like when they told her that they recommended that she only drink juice if her blood sugar was low. (would it ever be low? she wanted to know. all she knew was high and sick and the inability to eat until she came back down within a 'normal' range.)

what was normal, she wondered. was it the new regiment of blood sugar tests and injections and doctors appointments? was it how things were before? was it when her blood sugar was between 80 and 150?

she thought that things were supposed to be easy. she thought that God was supposed to have her back and that, since she was trying to follow His plan for her life, that he would look out for her, not let her own body turn on itself. she wanted to know why it was her, and not one of her siblings, although she would never want her siblings to have diabetes. she was scared, mostly, that she could never have something normal.

now, three and a half years later, I've realized that normal is overrated. that there is no normal day in the life of a diabetic. that no two days -- even if you do everything exactly the same -- will have the same outcome. that there will be people who don't understand, that there will be days where crying is absolutely necessary, that there are days that you can sit down and eat and entire tub of Ben and Jerry's and your blood sugar will be okay and days when you eat an entire tub of Ben and Jerry's and instantly regret the decision. there will be days when you forget to change the battery in your pump and you have to leave class early to do so. that people will surprise you with how they handle knowing that you have a chronic condition. that you should always have at least two extra packages of fruit snacks in your bag because you never know when someone's having a bad day and might need some Scooby Snacks. that when it comes down to it and you don't have anything left in your bag and your blood sugar is at 37 and your hands won't stop shaking, your math professor will give up her snack to make sure that you're okay. that it's okay to not be normal anymore, because sometimes normal is just boring.

if we're being completely honest, I don't really remember what it's like to eat something without counting carbs and taking insulin. I don't remember getting up in the morning and not immediately reaching for my glucose meter and test kit. I don't remember not worrying about going somewhere new and not knowing if there will be someone there who knows what to do if my blood sugar's too low and I can't get something to eat right away. I don't remember being able to just grab a cookie without first checking my blood sugar and I don't remember the last time my mother made pasta for dinner without first checking to make sure that I was having a day with good numbers.

three and a half years later, I'm still learning. I'm learning to rely on others and that I don't always have to have it all together. that sometimes I just need to sit back and let someone take care of me, instead of always needing to be independent. I'm learning not to put of homework until the last minute because sometimes the blood sugar strikes back and I can't focus when I need to. that there will be times when my pump alarms in class and everyone turns to stare. that, while I can never forget that I'm diabetic, sometimes the people around me do forget and need gentle reminders that sometimes I need a break.

my normal is very different now than it was three and a half years ago in that I don't have a normal anymore. and that's okay. until we turn type one into type none, I'll be okay with this crazy, unpredictable life.

November is Diabetes Awareness Month. every year approximately 40,000 people are diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. type 1 diabetes is an autoimmune disease in which the insulin producing beta cells in the pancreas are attacked by the body's immune system and cease to do their job. this leads to elevated blood glucose levels and the presence of ketones. if untreated, type 1 diabetes can lead to death. treatment for type 1 diabetes includes careful monitoring of blood glucose levels and taking insulin every time carbohydrates are consumed. insulin is administered via injections or by insulin pump. there is currently no cure for type 1 diabetes.

i was abducted by aliens.

(or some other outlandish reason as to why I've been gone for the past several months with no explanation.)

I keep staring at these blank blog posts and wondering what to write. One (that's currently sitting in my drafts) is a letter to my youngest sister about growing up and staying true to yourself in the face of peer pressure (something that has been increasing difficult for me and something I've been seeing increasingly more of as a jr. high volunteer at my church). The other that's sitting in my drafts turned into a short story sort of thing that I'm not terribly pleased with and features a bit of swearing and therefore won't be shared here. Terribly sorry.

(things that have taken over my life)
- college
- work
- laziness
- travelling
- a lack of chocolate

(things that I'm endeavoring to do more of)
- running now that my leg is completely healed
- studying since college is a thing
- uhh sleeping because college is only a thing two days a week
- working (a lot)

(things that I need to do)
- let go move on and stop overthinking the little things
- blog

I've missed ya'll, and I'm praying that this is me coming back for good. It's been a long (and good) break, but I'm ready to write again. How're ya'll doing?

the bucket list. // summer edition

run, fast and slow and everyday

get my drivers license, finally

learn to surf

take a roadtrip with friends

eat baklava at a food festival

sleep under the stars

write poetry

catch a falling star and make a wish on it's trail

watch once upon a time

bake a cake

host a tea party

read all the books Rory Gilmore read in Gilmore Girls

cry because Bucky Barnes

travel, far and wide and miss home

frozen. [let it go, let it go.]

I'm a Disney Princess fan.
Like, I have every single Tangled and Brave song memorized and on my iPhone.
And I was incredibly blessed (thank you, Momma) with the opportunity to go see Frozen on opening day with my baby sister.
We laughed. And cried. And smiled a whole lot. Sven was adorable, Olaf was hilarious, Anna made us smile and cry at the same time, and Elsa broke our hearts with her pain. The message of true love putting another's need ahead of your own was powerful throughout the movie. There was heartbreak, and pain, and love, and the final understanding that true love casts out fear.
Elsa is scared throughout the movie. scared that she's going to hurt her sister with her powers, and through a series of events, that fear drives her away from everyone she cares about. But in the end, true love wins out.
I'm going to see it again.
It made me happy.
Have you seen Frozen? And if so, your thoughts on it?
ps: Kristoff and Sven = my relationship with Gus exactly. If you've seen the movie, you'll understand. ;)
pps: I promise that a real post is coming very soon. I have the SAT on Saturday and then there will be free time again.

counting stars.

Lately I been, I been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be

Lately, I've been a bit of an insomniac.

My thoughts keep me up at night, restlessly anticipating the unfolding of some new chapter of my life.

I sit by my window some nights, blinds up, and count the stars, and sometimes, I make wishes upon them. They don't come true, the wishes.

Sometimes I hate that.

The fact that you can wish so hard for something, but it never happens.

I wish for things, and whisper them in the darkness, but the quiet October wind carries my wishes away, and they remain unfulfilled.

I wish for silence that is understanding, and not so cold and cowardly.

I wish for an eye that seeks out beauty instead of seeing pain.

I wish for my fingers to cooperate when I sit down to play the piano, and my fingers are choppy on the keys.

I wish for a mug of chai tea and a bit of biscotti.
I wish for the way things could be.

Mostly, on those sleepless nights that come more and more often, I wish for sleep.

i did not take the SAT today.

I have type 1 diabetes. I'm not shy about telling people that when asked what 'that iPod thing' is that just happens to be attached to my hip constantly. Having only been diagnosed a year and a half ago, it frustrates me when people assume I need special treatment/food/etc. just because I'm diabetic.

I was supposed to take the SAT today. And, as you know if you've ever taken the test before, there's an option when signing up for special accommodations for those who have disabilities. I do not consider diabetes to be a disability and diabetes/having an insulin pump was not on the list of disabilities given by the SAT Collegeboard website. And so I checked the 'no' box on that question. I was ready to go. I was a little worried however, because I do know someone who had their pump confiscated during the test because it alarmed, and there was a kid in the same room as my brother who was kicked out for the same reason. An alarming pump that was mistaken as a cellphone. He was kicked out for cheating.

Let me get one thing clear, SAT test administrators: there is no way that I could program my pump to do anything that could be considered cheating. It's specialized to deliver insulin and really can't do much other than that.

I was not allowed to sit my SAT this morning.

To be on the safe side, and not take any chances with having my pump taken away, I informed the test proctor in my room that I had an insulin pump and while it was an electric device, I would only be using it if necessary during the break. He said that he wasn't sure that that was allowed and I was sent to talk to the test administrators.

The SAT Collegeboard website does not say that using special accommodations is mandatory. Diabetes is not listed as something that requires those accommodations. However, when I talked to Sarah the administrator, I was informed that I was not allowed to test regularly while wearing an insulin pump. Her best suggestion was for me to go home and reschedule my test for another day.

I did that. I called my dad, nearly in tears, and had him come and get me. We went and picked up coffee on the way home, and then stopped for Krispy Kreme. While at coffee, we (literally) ran into my pastor, Brad. Brad's oldest daughter is diabetic. We told him our story of being kicked out of the SAT before it even began. He said that the same thing had happened to his daughter. He said that it pisses him off (his exact words, no joke, my pastor swore) when people treat diabetics differently.

The hoops I have to jump through to do things are ridiculous. Driving requires medical clearance, and standardized testing requires special treatment.

And that's what bothers me.

Treating us differently. Do you know what the special accommodations are? They knock off part of the test, extend the time, and give you breaks whenever you want them. It sounds pretty nice, doesn't it? But to me, it's just a reminder of the fact that I'm different. As someone who was diagnosed at a later age, I don't want to be treated differently (and I'm sure that those who were diagnosed at an early age feel the same way). If I get a good score on the SAT, I want it to be because I sat the whole thing and did my best. I don't want it to be because I got special treatment because of this disease. I want to earn it. I don't want extended time and I don't want less work.

I want to sit my freaking SAT without being sequestered away in a room on my own because I'm different. That is all.

squirrels are nature's little speed bumps. [literally.]

On May 7th, 2013, something very big happened. This girl, Bailey Noel, got her driver's permit. (Which was then taken away three days later because apparently diabetics have to get special medical clearance from their doctors before actually operating a moving vehicle. whatever. I think that's stupid, but it's the law and I'm a law abiding citizen.) After three months of waiting around for our notoriously slow branch of the California Department of Motor Vehicles to finally get around to telling me if I was fit to drive or not, a letter came in the mail.

I was cleared.

Cue another month of being too scared to drive which resulted in me not scheduling my driving lessons and quickly changing the subject whenever my parents brought it up.

On Thursday September 12th, I had my first lesson. White knuckling the steering wheel as I drove through the neighbourhood over and over, turning poorly and only going about twelve miles per hour. That was frightening. My instructor was continually telling me that it was okay to go a little faster and that I wasn't going to crash. I didn't believe him and drove at my snail pace.

That's when the speed bump happened. No, not a real one. A live furry one with a bushy tail. A squirrel. 

Cue me slamming on the brakes, my instructor screaming like a girl and almost throwing his phone out the window, and me nearly in tears.

But.

I did not hit the squirrel. My instructor told me that hitting squirrels was acceptable. Just don't ever do that again. Like, ever.

I said okay. That sounded reasonable. Squirrels are scary little speed bumps. They move.

I have no driven since my lesson. I probably should, since I can go for my license test in the beginning of November, but those scary little squirrels (and my instructor screaming like a girl) have me terrified of messing up on the road again. (also I can't turn or back up or anything else safely yet and me being on the roads right now is not wise at all.)

This weekend, my dad is taking me out to go driving following my SAT. (crap, I should probably be studying for that.) I'm praying that the squirrels leave well alone and I can refrain from slamming on my brakes again.

currentlies.

making : a mess of words on paper, dreams.

cooking : apple cinnamon bread, chai tea.

drinking : soon, chai tea.

reading : emotionally healthy spirituality, don't waste your life, the great gatsby.

wanting : peace, a little bit of warmth, a bear hug from my favorite brother.

looking : for joy.

playing : ultimate frisbee. (tomorrow morning.)

wasting : time.

wishing : for the right words to say, that I was better prepared for my SAT. that words could be erased. that I could go back to the beach, and stay there, with my best friends, forever.

enjoying : cool weather.

waiting : impatiently for too many things.

liking : my anatomy homework.

loving : the oh hello's. (and just music in general lately.)

hoping : to attend the University of Portland.

marveling : over the depths of His grace.

needing : to do pre-calc. (but wasting more time.)

smelling : the spices in my tea, warm apple bread, chili on the stove.

wearing : worn Sharks hockey t-shirts, running shorts, blankets on my lap.

noticing : little things.

knowing : that things need to change.

thinking : too much and too hard.

the dog days.

In the middle of June, you arrived. You were crying, missing your brothers and sisters, and you were tiny. You played with a little blue squishy dog-shaped dog toy, and you became my baby. You still are my baby. You've grown now. You're a whole five months old, and you can do several tricks. You don't come when you're called, though, puppers, and that could become a problem. You've escaped once already, off to boldly see new worlds in the neighbours' front yards. You're a dork, really. But you're my dork, and I love you.

[the one is an outtake. just in case you thought that taking photos of a puppy who's snuggled up on your lap was easy. ;) also, enjoy the shot of my insulin pump. it's something that I often have to tell my little Gus not to eat. silly pup.]

currently.

currently:

++ researching colleges ++

++ editing photos from a trip to San Fran ++

++ writing an entry to my senior logbook ++

++ doing algebra ++

++ having a pounding headache ++

++ applying for jobs ++

++ wishing for coffee ++

++ listening to country music ++

ps: if you have coffee, and bring me some, consider yourself my new best friend. xx

never to go on trips with anyone you do not love.

Road trips are my absolute fave. You load up the car with snacks and your favorite people and set off on an adventure into the Great Unknown. In this case, the Great Unknown was little town stacked full to the brim with thrift shops, old churches, and health clinics: Paradise, CA.

There were fourteen of us senior interns who loaded up in a church bus at eight-oh-six yesterday morning and took off down the road. We stopped for icees at nine, because when you're road tripping, icees are an absolute must have. We sang awkwardly in the back seat as our youth leaders drove and laughed along. We toured Paradise, seeing all of the places that my youth pastor, Jeremy, grew up going to and hanging out at.

And then we got to the real reason for our trip: hiking.

It was an easy hike down to the waterhole and dam. We talked and laughed and began to work as a team. We helped each other over the rocky places, raced over the flat areas, and whooped when we saw our end goal. We stripped down to our bathing suits, and stood looking out over the river from the top of the dam.

The water was deep and clear and our feet slapped against the cement of the dam as we got into position. "Nobody jump yet," Jeremy said. "It's all about trust. We have to jump together and each trust that no one will land on top of you."

I chickened out. "No way. I thought I could do this, but no. No. Absolutely not." (Imagine Russell Crowe as Javert jumping to his death in Les Mis and you have a pretty accurate what I was convinced was going to happen to me.)

Jeremy and the boys tried to get me to jump, but I stood there, not looking down, and refusing. The gave up, and the rest of the team jumped.

Part of me wanted to jump to. Part of me was screaming that someday I would regret it. Someday I would look back on that particular moment in time and wish so hard that I had been brave and jumped off of a twelve foot high dam into twenty+ foot deep water. I stood up, and walked to the edge. My girl friends joined me, and the boys watched from the bank. "Are you going to do it this time?" they yelled at me. "Let her be," said Jeremy.

I remember my paralyzing fear and again not wanting to do it. I remember counting to three. I remember my feet inching towards the edge of the dam, and curling my toes over it to keep  my balance. I remember falling for a few seconds, and then hitting the freezing water and going under. I remember my eyes popping open in shock, and taking in a lungful of river water. I remember coming up, and laughing over my fear. I remember the cheers of my teammates as they grinned from around me and at the river bank.

I do not remember jumping.

I did it again. I jumped again, this time with the entire team. It was just as cold and terrifying and horribly addicting as the first time.

I remember asking to go again, but it was time to say goodbye to our little waterhole and head back into town.

We went out for Mexican afterwards, and as I sat at the table with all of my friends and youth pastor, eating my super nacho, they began to dole out nicknames. When they got to me, there was a bit of silence, and then John said, "Merida. Your nickname is Merida, because you're both brave. And it's one of the only Disney princess movies you've ever seen."

There was laughter after that, and lots of smiling faces, and the nickname remains. Merida.

xx, Bailey